mood: hot. is hot a mood?
song: metric-help, i'm alive!
_____
okay i'm back. hello. i'm back to being best friends with marie. we talked for 2 hours, 9 minutes and 59 seconds tonight. i said sorry. but i didn't given so easily...obviously- i went out like a coward.
i deleted her off facebook and blocked her on msn. then got a tad bit bored and had that stupid guilt feeling in my gut.
so i messaged her this sorry thing:
Listen, I’m very sorry. I was sort of a bitch with not accepting your sincere apology. I do want o be friends but sometimes I just feel we shouldn’t like I’m poisoning something that could be good, you know? And the times when I feel like shit, I feel like it’s cuz of our friendship and how we don’t communicate properly. I feel like, you know those times when we don’t talk to each other all day and we’re secretly in this kinda fight. And then the next it’s normal, that’s weird. I don’t know, I just feel like it’s not structured, to the point, I’m just confused, and all the lines of blurred. So I’m sorry, I know I have my issues, and im always confused but it’s no excuse to be such a bitch to you. I’m sorry for deleted you from fb and just making you feel bad,more than you did already. I shouldn’t have used that boy as a factor in our friendship, no matter how much it is.
So, that’s all I can say.
i didn't know if she was going to forgive me so i had the glow in the dark party to distract me until my party girls ditched on me to go to the pool, where i don't like going when i'm on my period. i bit dazed from the heat, and utterly pissed, i saw that she sent me a message back:
hey. dont apologize, we were in a fight, its expected to say things you'll regret. i agree with the bad communication, but i believe it can be fixed. and dont be sorry for deleting me of facebook and shit, you were pissed i understand. i accept your apologie and i hope theres no hard feelings. im sorry for hurting you, i really am.
and just like that, everything's peachy keen in la la land. i call her up, we laugh and make plans to go to the glow in the dark party. and i'm all bubbly and my spirits are so high! and then my mother calls and drops the bomb on me. she says i can't go. why? I DONT KNOW. but i can't cuz she decided to be a bitch! anyways, crying, i call marie. she comforts me, which makes me feel horrible and tells me it's alright.
still sniffling like a baby, i call up swiss chalet and get delivered 20$ worth of trans-fat and calories and watch russel peters. i know, fun huh?
oh my life is just magical.
well, that's about it. we're friends. im a pound heavier. i'm in a bad mood and the sun has decided to shed some light unto our city...maybe a little to much, im sweating my life away. jeez.
sometimes i feel like without marie i would have no friends. i'm so done with summer. the last few weeks of it are like a disease. it keeps growing on you, till you're about to freak out...and then the school bell rings.
funny, how time works, wouldn't you agree?
-sunney
Monday, August 17, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
thurs aug 13 2009
mood: sick and crappy
song: michael jackson: billie jean
_______
i woke up early today becuase my pillow was killing my neck. but then i felt like my bones weighed a ton and my head still hurt. so then i drank nyquil straight from the bottle. then i watched arthur and groggily watched tyra talk to goldiggers while eating soggy frosted flakes.
then i came downstairs and tried to get sympathy from my mother but she blew me off. and here i am. marie tagged me in a note "25 things about me". i guess she forgot that i know ALL of those things already and don't really care.
my eyes hurt and im very dizzy. i don't want to go to school. september first seems like it's coming very quickly. on sunday i'm going to a glow in the dark party and hopefully i'll get so high i'll forget my name.
i keep yawning and i really wanna sleep but im forgetting something...but what?
oh whatever. i'm going now, to sit in my bed and do nothing at all for the rest of day. i'm even contemplating becoming friends with marie again just to pass the time. don't worry i won't.
i'm off to rot in my room now.
-sunney
song: michael jackson: billie jean
_______
i woke up early today becuase my pillow was killing my neck. but then i felt like my bones weighed a ton and my head still hurt. so then i drank nyquil straight from the bottle. then i watched arthur and groggily watched tyra talk to goldiggers while eating soggy frosted flakes.
then i came downstairs and tried to get sympathy from my mother but she blew me off. and here i am. marie tagged me in a note "25 things about me". i guess she forgot that i know ALL of those things already and don't really care.
my eyes hurt and im very dizzy. i don't want to go to school. september first seems like it's coming very quickly. on sunday i'm going to a glow in the dark party and hopefully i'll get so high i'll forget my name.
i keep yawning and i really wanna sleep but im forgetting something...but what?
oh whatever. i'm going now, to sit in my bed and do nothing at all for the rest of day. i'm even contemplating becoming friends with marie again just to pass the time. don't worry i won't.
i'm off to rot in my room now.
-sunney
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
wed aug 12 2009
mood:confused, what else?
song:demi lovato- catch me
______
i rummaged through my sister's near empty closet. it seems she took anything good to Toronto with her when we helped her move last weekend. i found some okay clothes and they're worn out enough to look vintage cuz im such a poser.
i just dropped off my resumé at comic adventures-they say that they hire at 14 years old, but im sure they wont hire me. i also stole 4 dollars from my mother and bought myself so much chocolate, it's sickening. i feel like there's rocks rolling around my head. i cried my self to sleep last night. i just finished reading a book about a girl that was semi-depressed, chubby,australian and a bit confused. but in the end everything's fine and she dates the cute boy named Hunter.
that was my queue to cry. life isn't like that. book's shouldn't give such a false hope to it's readers. especially when they relate so much with the main character.
now my eyes are mega puffy and my killer headache just makes me wanna crawl into a black hole and never come back out. also, the girl that tortured me in grade seven and eight just posed a new profile picture. she looks average. but everyone who comments swears she's a goddess.
i'm begging to get that impression. i want what they're drinking, cuz apparently she's flipping gorgeous, and i'm just missing it. all i see is her smudgy mascara and ugly nose and not to mention her clingy odd looking boyfriend.
jealousy at it's best.
marie inboxed me on facebook apologizing. before i say anything to harsh. i'll just post what she said.
hey.
so.
im sorry for what i did. i dont know how to handle it, im not going to lie. i didnt know what to do and all i wanted was for you to be okay. my actions were reckless and theres no justification for them. but at the same time im not perfect and i never said i was. im sorry, its just hard for me being in the middle of you two and i didnt know what to do. im not asking you to forgive me, honestly all i want is for you to be okay. so if you want to hate me, go ahead. thats not going to change the fact that i love and care for you. and stop thinking im lying, cuz im not. i just want you to be okay. if you ever need anything, im here. im sorry, i really am. i dont know how else to say it. i fucked up. bad. im sorry. i love you.
-sunney.
song:demi lovato- catch me
______
i rummaged through my sister's near empty closet. it seems she took anything good to Toronto with her when we helped her move last weekend. i found some okay clothes and they're worn out enough to look vintage cuz im such a poser.
i just dropped off my resumé at comic adventures-they say that they hire at 14 years old, but im sure they wont hire me. i also stole 4 dollars from my mother and bought myself so much chocolate, it's sickening. i feel like there's rocks rolling around my head. i cried my self to sleep last night. i just finished reading a book about a girl that was semi-depressed, chubby,australian and a bit confused. but in the end everything's fine and she dates the cute boy named Hunter.
that was my queue to cry. life isn't like that. book's shouldn't give such a false hope to it's readers. especially when they relate so much with the main character.
now my eyes are mega puffy and my killer headache just makes me wanna crawl into a black hole and never come back out. also, the girl that tortured me in grade seven and eight just posed a new profile picture. she looks average. but everyone who comments swears she's a goddess.
i'm begging to get that impression. i want what they're drinking, cuz apparently she's flipping gorgeous, and i'm just missing it. all i see is her smudgy mascara and ugly nose and not to mention her clingy odd looking boyfriend.
jealousy at it's best.
marie inboxed me on facebook apologizing. before i say anything to harsh. i'll just post what she said.
hey.
so.
im sorry for what i did. i dont know how to handle it, im not going to lie. i didnt know what to do and all i wanted was for you to be okay. my actions were reckless and theres no justification for them. but at the same time im not perfect and i never said i was. im sorry, its just hard for me being in the middle of you two and i didnt know what to do. im not asking you to forgive me, honestly all i want is for you to be okay. so if you want to hate me, go ahead. thats not going to change the fact that i love and care for you. and stop thinking im lying, cuz im not. i just want you to be okay. if you ever need anything, im here. im sorry, i really am. i dont know how else to say it. i fucked up. bad. im sorry. i love you.
-sunney.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
my stomach keeps turning and turning...
mood: AHHHHHH
song: shakira; she wolf
tue aug 11 2009
________
i think i just broke up with marie. not that i was dating her, but god that was some intricate friendship i just broke out of.
you see, yesterday, after a week or two of not talking and me going to toronto without her knowing, she im'd me, asking me if we were friends again. after a brief flash back to my pre-school days, i answered "yes". but we were not. she told me she missed me and loved me and the usual and then threw in, "you know your my best friend. am i your best friend?"
i said "am i yours?"
"of course you are"
"no, i'm not. that boy is."......which is true. because her perfect excuse for telling him everything i confided her in during my tiny 'freak-out' is ' he's my best friend too."
then she says "what are you trying to say? i have more than one best friend."
so, while feeling my throat tighten and the urge to hurl all over the keyboard i punch in;
"okay, whatever. im not mad."
and there it was. a taped together, and overall fucked up friendship that is somehow still misshaped but standing just like it was since kindergarten.
but while browsing her facebook page, i see how that very boy commented a cute and witty thing on her photo. and she thanked him.
i wanted to blow up into a million pieces. pieces much too small to be put together again.
and i messaged her.
"i think its only fair for you to know that i lied.
i'm still mad.
i do not forgive you and i'm not sorry and nor do i accept yours"
i felt bad for a sixteenth of a second, then i realized she's probably clinging unto that very boy and telling how much she's sad and she's sooooo sorry. how she doesn't understand and doesn't know what to do.
this very moment,when i pictured this, is the very DEFINITION of how i do not know what to do with myself, my issues, my opinions, radical decisions and thoughts ripping myself apart. the very feeling i have to deal with 24 hours a day.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
whoever invented life sucks! because he failed to see the many flaws it has and how much misery he's putting through the participants.
not to mention there's no way to quit! no forfeit or draw.
it's clear, i've lost! no one is blowing the whistle!
i guess someone's waiting for the big knockout.
well, i am too.
-sunney
song: shakira; she wolf
tue aug 11 2009
________
i think i just broke up with marie. not that i was dating her, but god that was some intricate friendship i just broke out of.
you see, yesterday, after a week or two of not talking and me going to toronto without her knowing, she im'd me, asking me if we were friends again. after a brief flash back to my pre-school days, i answered "yes". but we were not. she told me she missed me and loved me and the usual and then threw in, "you know your my best friend. am i your best friend?"
i said "am i yours?"
"of course you are"
"no, i'm not. that boy is."......which is true. because her perfect excuse for telling him everything i confided her in during my tiny 'freak-out' is ' he's my best friend too."
then she says "what are you trying to say? i have more than one best friend."
so, while feeling my throat tighten and the urge to hurl all over the keyboard i punch in;
"okay, whatever. im not mad."
and there it was. a taped together, and overall fucked up friendship that is somehow still misshaped but standing just like it was since kindergarten.
but while browsing her facebook page, i see how that very boy commented a cute and witty thing on her photo. and she thanked him.
i wanted to blow up into a million pieces. pieces much too small to be put together again.
and i messaged her.
"i think its only fair for you to know that i lied.
i'm still mad.
i do not forgive you and i'm not sorry and nor do i accept yours"
i felt bad for a sixteenth of a second, then i realized she's probably clinging unto that very boy and telling how much she's sad and she's sooooo sorry. how she doesn't understand and doesn't know what to do.
this very moment,when i pictured this, is the very DEFINITION of how i do not know what to do with myself, my issues, my opinions, radical decisions and thoughts ripping myself apart. the very feeling i have to deal with 24 hours a day.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
whoever invented life sucks! because he failed to see the many flaws it has and how much misery he's putting through the participants.
not to mention there's no way to quit! no forfeit or draw.
it's clear, i've lost! no one is blowing the whistle!
i guess someone's waiting for the big knockout.
well, i am too.
-sunney
sadness is a regular.
mood: melancholy
song: aaliyah; miss you
________
for some reason i keep thinking about him. not in the same way i have before. before i was sad, angry with myself and at time;him. i was self-conscience,regretful and just flustered. now, i think of him as a symbol. he represents betrayal,confusion and what i blame my sensitivity on. he is not a person in my mind, simply something i try not to shed a tear about when i think about how he is a better friend to my 'best friend' then i could ever be.
i recently told my best friend, marie, off for being his best friend too. i know, i'm a terrible person. but every time she says she has to go or she's on the other line, i think about how he's there for here emotionally. it's partially true too, one time, she told me about how she cried to him about her current boyfriend. why not me? i was available. i'm so used to having her all to myself that i'm being selfish, right?
i'm losing it- just a second ago, i thought she was wrong and now i am?but why him?
the very boy that told me i was an 'emotional wreck' and i 'couldn't handle a basketball, let alone a relationship.' is it cliché, if i say, he shattered my heart? i trusted him with all my being.
but wait. here i am, twisting it, so i look like the victim. the very thing, i accuse of marie of doing. order of events:
i think i'm being overwhelmed with family and a boyfriend
break up with him
he tries to convince me other wise, so i chnage it and say i would like a week to myself.
we don't talk.
i'm too scared to call him during the week and say sorry, because of my pride.
friday comes around.
my mom finds about us and bans me from him.
i tell him and ask to be friends.
he declines and tells me i'm an emotional wreck.
since then, marie has helped me and it has come to attention, recently that they've talked thoroughly since then, about everything.
everything.
she even told him about my suicide attempts (which she denied but eventually confessed), l which doesn't help his 'assumption' of me being an emotional wreck. is it possible to be in denial if you know it?
they were friends before everything happened but i keep thinking about how it isn't fair.
nothing fair,sunney, i remind myself.
then i remind myself how bbf's are supposed to bffs with ex bf's.
then i remind myself that i can't stop it, and how selfish i am for trying/wishing to.
then i cry and curl up to a ball and think about killing my sorry self.
a glimpse into my world isn't so fantastic...
this is the part where i think about how much of a bad person i am for feeling sorry for myself.
and deep down- i know that boy was right.
-sunney
song: aaliyah; miss you
________
for some reason i keep thinking about him. not in the same way i have before. before i was sad, angry with myself and at time;him. i was self-conscience,regretful and just flustered. now, i think of him as a symbol. he represents betrayal,confusion and what i blame my sensitivity on. he is not a person in my mind, simply something i try not to shed a tear about when i think about how he is a better friend to my 'best friend' then i could ever be.
i recently told my best friend, marie, off for being his best friend too. i know, i'm a terrible person. but every time she says she has to go or she's on the other line, i think about how he's there for here emotionally. it's partially true too, one time, she told me about how she cried to him about her current boyfriend. why not me? i was available. i'm so used to having her all to myself that i'm being selfish, right?
i'm losing it- just a second ago, i thought she was wrong and now i am?but why him?
the very boy that told me i was an 'emotional wreck' and i 'couldn't handle a basketball, let alone a relationship.' is it cliché, if i say, he shattered my heart? i trusted him with all my being.
but wait. here i am, twisting it, so i look like the victim. the very thing, i accuse of marie of doing. order of events:
i think i'm being overwhelmed with family and a boyfriend
break up with him
he tries to convince me other wise, so i chnage it and say i would like a week to myself.
we don't talk.
i'm too scared to call him during the week and say sorry, because of my pride.
friday comes around.
my mom finds about us and bans me from him.
i tell him and ask to be friends.
he declines and tells me i'm an emotional wreck.
since then, marie has helped me and it has come to attention, recently that they've talked thoroughly since then, about everything.
everything.
she even told him about my suicide attempts (which she denied but eventually confessed), l which doesn't help his 'assumption' of me being an emotional wreck. is it possible to be in denial if you know it?
they were friends before everything happened but i keep thinking about how it isn't fair.
nothing fair,sunney, i remind myself.
then i remind myself how bbf's are supposed to bffs with ex bf's.
then i remind myself that i can't stop it, and how selfish i am for trying/wishing to.
then i cry and curl up to a ball and think about killing my sorry self.
a glimpse into my world isn't so fantastic...
this is the part where i think about how much of a bad person i am for feeling sorry for myself.
and deep down- i know that boy was right.
-sunney
tue aug 11 2009
mood: drained
song: jordin sparks; battlefield
_______
i'm in trouble with myself. i promised myself not to fantasies and i keep doing it. i keep picturing an artsy, funny,witty,smart into books, tall,handsome blond that discovers me in the library reading a mutual book and we 're swept into a whirlwind of lust and love.
i know; pathetic,isn't it? i promise i'll try and refrain from falling anymore in love with my imaginary character. i'm going to the tenth grade, and i doubt any handsome and deep boys will be moving into my school at such an odd grade opening. talk about a dreamer.
at the same time, i'm nervous about school itself. i'm trying to dodge the whole fake 'omg!how was your summer, i missed you!" charade that takes over the month of september. i'm trying to mentally(and just somehow,physically) to skip to october where the fall season and the joy halloween brings me overwhelms my being. but i'm going to change my schedule on the 25th, and reality is hitting me hard. i'm going to do it... start the constant fight with academic persistence all over again. the petty crushes on petty boys, all over again.
i'm sick of summer. i'm sick of being stuck with myself. with only me as my company and no other thoughts to drown out my own. one day, i hate the idea of friends and suicide seems about good right then and the next i'm begging to leave my house which is shaping up to be a prison with every passing minute. that's why i like the internet- i can be whatever i want to be. whoever i want, say what i want, whenever.
though, i wonder why i've chosen something where i'm just me. all the time.
-sunney
song: jordin sparks; battlefield
_______
i'm in trouble with myself. i promised myself not to fantasies and i keep doing it. i keep picturing an artsy, funny,witty,smart into books, tall,handsome blond that discovers me in the library reading a mutual book and we 're swept into a whirlwind of lust and love.
i know; pathetic,isn't it? i promise i'll try and refrain from falling anymore in love with my imaginary character. i'm going to the tenth grade, and i doubt any handsome and deep boys will be moving into my school at such an odd grade opening. talk about a dreamer.
at the same time, i'm nervous about school itself. i'm trying to dodge the whole fake 'omg!how was your summer, i missed you!" charade that takes over the month of september. i'm trying to mentally(and just somehow,physically) to skip to october where the fall season and the joy halloween brings me overwhelms my being. but i'm going to change my schedule on the 25th, and reality is hitting me hard. i'm going to do it... start the constant fight with academic persistence all over again. the petty crushes on petty boys, all over again.
i'm sick of summer. i'm sick of being stuck with myself. with only me as my company and no other thoughts to drown out my own. one day, i hate the idea of friends and suicide seems about good right then and the next i'm begging to leave my house which is shaping up to be a prison with every passing minute. that's why i like the internet- i can be whatever i want to be. whoever i want, say what i want, whenever.
though, i wonder why i've chosen something where i'm just me. all the time.
-sunney
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