sadness is a regular.

mood: melancholy
song: aaliyah; miss you

________

for some reason i keep thinking about him. not in the same way i have before. before i was sad, angry with myself and at time;him. i was self-conscience,regretful and just flustered. now, i think of him as a symbol. he represents betrayal,confusion and what i blame my sensitivity on. he is not a person in my mind, simply something i try not to shed a tear about when i think about how he is a better friend to my 'best friend' then i could ever be.

i recently told my best friend, marie, off for being his best friend too. i know, i'm a terrible person. but every time she says she has to go or she's on the other line, i think about how he's there for here emotionally. it's partially true too, one time, she told me about how she cried to him about her current boyfriend. why not me? i was available. i'm so used to having her all to myself that i'm being selfish, right?

i'm losing it- just a second ago, i thought she was wrong and now i am?but why him?
the very boy that told me i was an 'emotional wreck' and i 'couldn't handle a basketball, let alone a relationship.' is it cliché, if i say, he shattered my heart? i trusted him with all my being.

but wait. here i am, twisting it, so i look like the victim. the very thing, i accuse of marie of doing. order of events:
i think i'm being overwhelmed with family and a boyfriend
break up with him
he tries to convince me other wise, so i chnage it and say i would like a week to myself.
we don't talk.
i'm too scared to call him during the week and say sorry, because of my pride.
friday comes around.
my mom finds about us and bans me from him.
i tell him and ask to be friends.
he declines and tells me i'm an emotional wreck.

since then, marie has helped me and it has come to attention, recently that they've talked thoroughly since then, about everything.

everything.

she even told him about my suicide attempts (which she denied but eventually confessed), l which doesn't help his 'assumption' of me being an emotional wreck. is it possible to be in denial if you know it?

they were friends before everything happened but i keep thinking about how it isn't fair.
nothing fair,sunney, i remind myself.
then i remind myself how bbf's are supposed to bffs with ex bf's.
then i remind myself that i can't stop it, and how selfish i am for trying/wishing to.
then i cry and curl up to a ball and think about killing my sorry self.

a glimpse into my world isn't so fantastic...
this is the part where i think about how much of a bad person i am for feeling sorry for myself.
and deep down- i know that boy was right.

-sunney