mood: drained
song: jordin sparks; battlefield
_______
i'm in trouble with myself. i promised myself not to fantasies and i keep doing it. i keep picturing an artsy, funny,witty,smart into books, tall,handsome blond that discovers me in the library reading a mutual book and we 're swept into a whirlwind of lust and love.
i know; pathetic,isn't it? i promise i'll try and refrain from falling anymore in love with my imaginary character. i'm going to the tenth grade, and i doubt any handsome and deep boys will be moving into my school at such an odd grade opening. talk about a dreamer.
at the same time, i'm nervous about school itself. i'm trying to dodge the whole fake 'omg!how was your summer, i missed you!" charade that takes over the month of september. i'm trying to mentally(and just somehow,physically) to skip to october where the fall season and the joy halloween brings me overwhelms my being. but i'm going to change my schedule on the 25th, and reality is hitting me hard. i'm going to do it... start the constant fight with academic persistence all over again. the petty crushes on petty boys, all over again.
i'm sick of summer. i'm sick of being stuck with myself. with only me as my company and no other thoughts to drown out my own. one day, i hate the idea of friends and suicide seems about good right then and the next i'm begging to leave my house which is shaping up to be a prison with every passing minute. that's why i like the internet- i can be whatever i want to be. whoever i want, say what i want, whenever.
though, i wonder why i've chosen something where i'm just me. all the time.
-sunney
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