mood: AHHHHHH
song: shakira; she wolf
tue aug 11 2009
________
i think i just broke up with marie. not that i was dating her, but god that was some intricate friendship i just broke out of.
you see, yesterday, after a week or two of not talking and me going to toronto without her knowing, she im'd me, asking me if we were friends again. after a brief flash back to my pre-school days, i answered "yes". but we were not. she told me she missed me and loved me and the usual and then threw in, "you know your my best friend. am i your best friend?"
i said "am i yours?"
"of course you are"
"no, i'm not. that boy is."......which is true. because her perfect excuse for telling him everything i confided her in during my tiny 'freak-out' is ' he's my best friend too."
then she says "what are you trying to say? i have more than one best friend."
so, while feeling my throat tighten and the urge to hurl all over the keyboard i punch in;
"okay, whatever. im not mad."
and there it was. a taped together, and overall fucked up friendship that is somehow still misshaped but standing just like it was since kindergarten.
but while browsing her facebook page, i see how that very boy commented a cute and witty thing on her photo. and she thanked him.
i wanted to blow up into a million pieces. pieces much too small to be put together again.
and i messaged her.
"i think its only fair for you to know that i lied.
i'm still mad.
i do not forgive you and i'm not sorry and nor do i accept yours"
i felt bad for a sixteenth of a second, then i realized she's probably clinging unto that very boy and telling how much she's sad and she's sooooo sorry. how she doesn't understand and doesn't know what to do.
this very moment,when i pictured this, is the very DEFINITION of how i do not know what to do with myself, my issues, my opinions, radical decisions and thoughts ripping myself apart. the very feeling i have to deal with 24 hours a day.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
whoever invented life sucks! because he failed to see the many flaws it has and how much misery he's putting through the participants.
not to mention there's no way to quit! no forfeit or draw.
it's clear, i've lost! no one is blowing the whistle!
i guess someone's waiting for the big knockout.
well, i am too.
-sunney
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
sadness is a regular.
mood: melancholy
song: aaliyah; miss you
________
for some reason i keep thinking about him. not in the same way i have before. before i was sad, angry with myself and at time;him. i was self-conscience,regretful and just flustered. now, i think of him as a symbol. he represents betrayal,confusion and what i blame my sensitivity on. he is not a person in my mind, simply something i try not to shed a tear about when i think about how he is a better friend to my 'best friend' then i could ever be.
i recently told my best friend, marie, off for being his best friend too. i know, i'm a terrible person. but every time she says she has to go or she's on the other line, i think about how he's there for here emotionally. it's partially true too, one time, she told me about how she cried to him about her current boyfriend. why not me? i was available. i'm so used to having her all to myself that i'm being selfish, right?
i'm losing it- just a second ago, i thought she was wrong and now i am?but why him?
the very boy that told me i was an 'emotional wreck' and i 'couldn't handle a basketball, let alone a relationship.' is it cliché, if i say, he shattered my heart? i trusted him with all my being.
but wait. here i am, twisting it, so i look like the victim. the very thing, i accuse of marie of doing. order of events:
i think i'm being overwhelmed with family and a boyfriend
break up with him
he tries to convince me other wise, so i chnage it and say i would like a week to myself.
we don't talk.
i'm too scared to call him during the week and say sorry, because of my pride.
friday comes around.
my mom finds about us and bans me from him.
i tell him and ask to be friends.
he declines and tells me i'm an emotional wreck.
since then, marie has helped me and it has come to attention, recently that they've talked thoroughly since then, about everything.
everything.
she even told him about my suicide attempts (which she denied but eventually confessed), l which doesn't help his 'assumption' of me being an emotional wreck. is it possible to be in denial if you know it?
they were friends before everything happened but i keep thinking about how it isn't fair.
nothing fair,sunney, i remind myself.
then i remind myself how bbf's are supposed to bffs with ex bf's.
then i remind myself that i can't stop it, and how selfish i am for trying/wishing to.
then i cry and curl up to a ball and think about killing my sorry self.
a glimpse into my world isn't so fantastic...
this is the part where i think about how much of a bad person i am for feeling sorry for myself.
and deep down- i know that boy was right.
-sunney
song: aaliyah; miss you
________
for some reason i keep thinking about him. not in the same way i have before. before i was sad, angry with myself and at time;him. i was self-conscience,regretful and just flustered. now, i think of him as a symbol. he represents betrayal,confusion and what i blame my sensitivity on. he is not a person in my mind, simply something i try not to shed a tear about when i think about how he is a better friend to my 'best friend' then i could ever be.
i recently told my best friend, marie, off for being his best friend too. i know, i'm a terrible person. but every time she says she has to go or she's on the other line, i think about how he's there for here emotionally. it's partially true too, one time, she told me about how she cried to him about her current boyfriend. why not me? i was available. i'm so used to having her all to myself that i'm being selfish, right?
i'm losing it- just a second ago, i thought she was wrong and now i am?but why him?
the very boy that told me i was an 'emotional wreck' and i 'couldn't handle a basketball, let alone a relationship.' is it cliché, if i say, he shattered my heart? i trusted him with all my being.
but wait. here i am, twisting it, so i look like the victim. the very thing, i accuse of marie of doing. order of events:
i think i'm being overwhelmed with family and a boyfriend
break up with him
he tries to convince me other wise, so i chnage it and say i would like a week to myself.
we don't talk.
i'm too scared to call him during the week and say sorry, because of my pride.
friday comes around.
my mom finds about us and bans me from him.
i tell him and ask to be friends.
he declines and tells me i'm an emotional wreck.
since then, marie has helped me and it has come to attention, recently that they've talked thoroughly since then, about everything.
everything.
she even told him about my suicide attempts (which she denied but eventually confessed), l which doesn't help his 'assumption' of me being an emotional wreck. is it possible to be in denial if you know it?
they were friends before everything happened but i keep thinking about how it isn't fair.
nothing fair,sunney, i remind myself.
then i remind myself how bbf's are supposed to bffs with ex bf's.
then i remind myself that i can't stop it, and how selfish i am for trying/wishing to.
then i cry and curl up to a ball and think about killing my sorry self.
a glimpse into my world isn't so fantastic...
this is the part where i think about how much of a bad person i am for feeling sorry for myself.
and deep down- i know that boy was right.
-sunney
tue aug 11 2009
mood: drained
song: jordin sparks; battlefield
_______
i'm in trouble with myself. i promised myself not to fantasies and i keep doing it. i keep picturing an artsy, funny,witty,smart into books, tall,handsome blond that discovers me in the library reading a mutual book and we 're swept into a whirlwind of lust and love.
i know; pathetic,isn't it? i promise i'll try and refrain from falling anymore in love with my imaginary character. i'm going to the tenth grade, and i doubt any handsome and deep boys will be moving into my school at such an odd grade opening. talk about a dreamer.
at the same time, i'm nervous about school itself. i'm trying to dodge the whole fake 'omg!how was your summer, i missed you!" charade that takes over the month of september. i'm trying to mentally(and just somehow,physically) to skip to october where the fall season and the joy halloween brings me overwhelms my being. but i'm going to change my schedule on the 25th, and reality is hitting me hard. i'm going to do it... start the constant fight with academic persistence all over again. the petty crushes on petty boys, all over again.
i'm sick of summer. i'm sick of being stuck with myself. with only me as my company and no other thoughts to drown out my own. one day, i hate the idea of friends and suicide seems about good right then and the next i'm begging to leave my house which is shaping up to be a prison with every passing minute. that's why i like the internet- i can be whatever i want to be. whoever i want, say what i want, whenever.
though, i wonder why i've chosen something where i'm just me. all the time.
-sunney
song: jordin sparks; battlefield
_______
i'm in trouble with myself. i promised myself not to fantasies and i keep doing it. i keep picturing an artsy, funny,witty,smart into books, tall,handsome blond that discovers me in the library reading a mutual book and we 're swept into a whirlwind of lust and love.
i know; pathetic,isn't it? i promise i'll try and refrain from falling anymore in love with my imaginary character. i'm going to the tenth grade, and i doubt any handsome and deep boys will be moving into my school at such an odd grade opening. talk about a dreamer.
at the same time, i'm nervous about school itself. i'm trying to dodge the whole fake 'omg!how was your summer, i missed you!" charade that takes over the month of september. i'm trying to mentally(and just somehow,physically) to skip to october where the fall season and the joy halloween brings me overwhelms my being. but i'm going to change my schedule on the 25th, and reality is hitting me hard. i'm going to do it... start the constant fight with academic persistence all over again. the petty crushes on petty boys, all over again.
i'm sick of summer. i'm sick of being stuck with myself. with only me as my company and no other thoughts to drown out my own. one day, i hate the idea of friends and suicide seems about good right then and the next i'm begging to leave my house which is shaping up to be a prison with every passing minute. that's why i like the internet- i can be whatever i want to be. whoever i want, say what i want, whenever.
though, i wonder why i've chosen something where i'm just me. all the time.
-sunney
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)