my stomach keeps turning and turning...

mood: AHHHHHH
song: shakira; she wolf
tue aug 11 2009

________
i think i just broke up with marie. not that i was dating her, but god that was some intricate friendship i just broke out of.

you see, yesterday, after a week or two of not talking and me going to toronto without her knowing, she im'd me, asking me if we were friends again. after a brief flash back to my pre-school days, i answered "yes". but we were not. she told me she missed me and loved me and the usual and then threw in, "you know your my best friend. am i your best friend?"
i said "am i yours?"
"of course you are"
"no, i'm not. that boy is."......which is true. because her perfect excuse for telling him everything i confided her in during my tiny 'freak-out' is ' he's my best friend too."
then she says "what are you trying to say? i have more than one best friend."
so, while feeling my throat tighten and the urge to hurl all over the keyboard i punch in;
"okay, whatever. im not mad."
and there it was. a taped together, and overall fucked up friendship that is somehow still misshaped but standing just like it was since kindergarten.

but while browsing her facebook page, i see how that very boy commented a cute and witty thing on her photo. and she thanked him.
i wanted to blow up into a million pieces. pieces much too small to be put together again.
and i messaged her.
"i think its only fair for you to know that i lied.
i'm still mad.
i do not forgive you and i'm not sorry and nor do i accept yours"
i felt bad for a sixteenth of a second, then i realized she's probably clinging unto that very boy and telling how much she's sad and she's sooooo sorry. how she doesn't understand and doesn't know what to do.
this very moment,when i pictured this, is the very DEFINITION of how i do not know what to do with myself, my issues, my opinions, radical decisions and thoughts ripping myself apart. the very feeling i have to deal with 24 hours a day.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
whoever invented life sucks! because he failed to see the many flaws it has and how much misery he's putting through the participants.
not to mention there's no way to quit! no forfeit or draw.
it's clear, i've lost! no one is blowing the whistle!
i guess someone's waiting for the big knockout.

well, i am too.

-sunney